Tourists

I am not a native DC person. I've lived in the area just over five years now, so I sorta consider myself a local. People who have lived her their whole lives probably will take umbrage at my annoyance, but whatever. I don't care. This is a place fo rme to complain.

However, I have been riding Metro consistently for all five of those years and few things annoy me more than other Metro riders. The regulars are always annoying, but at least they've staked a claim on the Metro, as I have. When the federal workers and office folk bitch about late trains, at least they know the drill. Walk on the left, stand on the right. Don't try to pry open the doors (they're not like elevator doors, after all).

But, tourists. Oh, tourists. Let me give you some tips.

First, lose some weight. Seriously. If you're too fat to sit in the Smithsonian chairs -- which my fat ass swims in -- you need to lose some weight.

Second, not everyone knows the location of everything in this city. I'm happy to help if you have a question about streets, but when you ask me about the location of an upscale French restaurant at which I've never eaten, don't act disappointed. Especially when I'm in my softball uniform, walking back to my car with a bat bag. At least give me an address.

Third, learn the goddamned Metro rules, especially at stations where people are trying to transfer. People are in a hurry to get to their station. Walk on the left, stand on the right.

Fourth, if you have a large family (by "large," I mean both in number and in physical girth), do not expect to get a lot of seats together. Believe it or not, Washington is a functioning city with lots of people who use the Metro to get to work. We like to sit down, too. Some of us are polite and will give up a seat for your map-reading ass, but not many. We're tired and we're still holding a grudge for your standing in front of the door while we were getting on the train.

Finally, learn to dress. I know that everyone isn't going to adhere to my fascist fashion tendencies (no band t-shirts at shows, no shorts on grown men outside of BBQs and the beach, etc.), but please cool it with the "I'm from here" clothes. I am not making this up, but I recently saw a family wearing almost all Texas-themed gear. The father had a Rangers hat and a Cowboys shirt, while the son was wearing a UT hat and matching shirt. He had a Cowboys lanyard for his keys. The mother was wearing a visor with the Texas flag on it.

We get it. You're from Texas.

The other side is the group of jerks and idiots wearing all newly-bought DC gear. These are normally kids in a school group, but there's at least five with FBI or CIA gear. Or they have the I (heart) DC shirts. These people are young, but they are young idiots.

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So, please, follow that advice and we'll get along great, DC tourists. It's a wonderful place to visit. Please do so. Take cabs and don't ask me for directions. Also, dress like a human being.